Too Tired

I woke up this morning, or sort of.  My eyes opened to the darkness and my body started doing things.  I’m pretty sure I was not really awake.  The alarm on the septic system screamed again from outside the fence… in the rain.  Three hours later, I’m still not awake.  The alarm went off again.  I looked in the hole.  Nothing there worth getting excited about.  I’ve listlessly cleaned my little writing space up in the bonus room and put stuff away.  Nothing on my list today fills me with energy and drive.  It’s not that there isn’t great stuff on the list.  Even yesterday, some of my plans for today were invigorating.  There is something wrong. 

I think… I’m tired…. of waiting… No, I’m sure of it.  I am desperately tired of waiting. 

There is plenty in my life worth getting excited about.  I have an amazing wife.  I have fantastic children.  I even have nifty pets.  I spend time with interesting people that I really care about.  I often smile inwardly at how blessed I am.  God loves me ever more than I can imagine.  I expect to do incomprehensible things as I walk with my friend Jesus. 

Even so, this happens often.  I wake up and my flannel sheets call insistently to my hurting soul.  My desire is gasping for breath.  My heart only murmurs unintelligibly.  I desperately want to stay in the dark and the warmth and not try – at all.  Don’t talk, don’t ask, I have no answer, nothing valuable to share.  I am not who I was meant to be and the world is even worse than I am.  I am waiting to be put back together in a place that is not intent on my death.  The struggle to experience what I long for is a frequent battle.

Today is one of those days. 

I can feel my enemy trying to trick me.  He lies and offers compelling evidence.  The world is all f**ked up.  Look at it.  Look at your life.  Nothing is working right.  You’ve screwed it all up.  It’s never going to be what you wanted.  The horrifying truth is, I can’t deny it.  I have made mistakes, big ones.  I’ve made them that I knew better than to make.  The consequences of my mistakes have altered my life and the lives of many around me.  What I wanted never is going to happen.

Quietly, distantly I begin to remember that the enemy is ignorant.  He can only remind me of what I wanted.  But really, I don’t want it anymore.  More in checking than I need, that ultra cool restored 79 F-350, prestige, position, a big house and multiple levels of assured security have lost their allure.   My hunger pangs have been met.  I have been dabbling in Jesus because he asked me and I’ve finally concluded that nothing else seems to work.  My suspicions are being confirmed.  It is as he has been saying.  He has invited me to something better.  So much better it cannot be described by comparison.

This new man that I am becoming is impossible for my enemy to understand.  My old self has shrunk and is replaced with a man who is humiliated but glorious, broken but unconquerable, I am poor, I hunger now, I weep now, I am excluded and rejected now but I rejoice and laugh because I am great in the Kingdom.  I am a friend to the King and his heart toward me is more than I can even wish.   I fight by his side for the kingdom and he hands me weapons he has invented that my enemy cannot defend against.  I love, I forgive, I extend grace, I am patient, I am kind, I am slow to speak and quick to listen.  I share and walk the extra mile.  All my enemy can do against these weapons is stamp his feet, whine and try to trick me into wanting what my old life offered.  But I do not want it.  On the days and in the hours and minutes I forget what I want, Jesus call to me.  He will come and rescue me again and again because I am his.  I am safe.  I am good and it will always be thus.

I will be ok today.  It will pass.  The fog and the sorrow and the aching frustration of waiting will fade and I will awaken.  Probably my wife will pray and hug and kiss me.  My friends, unknowingly, will be themselves and it will heal me as I am reminded how wonderful they are.  Coffee will help a little.  I will come to the end of the shadow and light will find me again.  I will withstand in the evil day and having done all I will stand.  I will begin to feel encouraged and it will grow and grow.  I will do incompressible things because Jesus does not depend on me to stay with him.  I depend on him to keep me. 

It is good to remember that waiting is better than being lost forever.  The Kingdom of Heaven is near.  I can wait a little longer.