I’m having a change of mind. I may be having a change of heart but it takes a bit longer. This change of mind is in testing phase and my heart rarely gets totally involved with my mind unmade. For all recent history, skepticism dominated my perspective on social media. I’ve agreed with many that it fosters shallow, disconnected, voyeuristic communication. It’s lazy. Too easy to sit glassy eyed, surfing and commenting to be funny or interesting. Too possible to replace real and risky with safe and anonymous, even secret. I can watch the offerings of another supposed life and never be noticed by them, somehow, mysteriously included but never drawn in.
It’s like porn.
Men are not drawn to porn because of sex. Men are not even drawn to sex because of sex. Men are drawn by their desire for relationship. We cannot exist without the sharing of life. Alone, we are out of balance. There is something deep in us that yearns to be vulnerable and honest, respected and strong. We want to offer ourselves and receive from another in the deepest way possible. We are drawn to beauty and the greatest humanly capable beauty is found in sharing life.
Men are not drawn to porn because of sex. Men are not even drawn to sex because of sex. Men are drawn by their desire for relationship. We cannot exist without the sharing of life. Alone, we are out of balance. There is something deep in us that yearns to be vulnerable and honest, respected and strong. We want to offer ourselves and receive from another in the deepest way possible. We are drawn to beauty and the greatest humanly capable beauty is found in sharing life.
But it is so dangerous. Honesty, vulnerability and sharing have brought us to and over the brink of disaster. It is treacherous ground and we are damaged for the efforts we have made in the past. I for one am dumfounded and confused most of the time in my efforts at healthy relationship. I try as hard as I can and it blows up in my face. I work and work at offering grace and I am accused of needing too much of it. I finally understand the rules of fair play only to find they are not being followed and wonder if I misunderstood them again. I show my cards and get cheated and then wonder if I was cheating. How can I ever be sure? How can I avoid the risk of more damage? I must find out because I need the relationship desperately.
Facebook is a safe alternative. I can offer myself without risk. If there is any danger, I’ll just pretend I’m not there. I can sit for hours, deep into the night, looking at life/lives and never face the potential of rejection. People share their thoughts, the events of their lives, pictures and ideas (with me) at no cost. I can even select safe, small parts of myself and put them out there to share. Not enough to invite criticism, just enough to share for pretend. I can even pretend to be blunt and vulnerable, especially if it’s self-deprecating in a funny, whimsical sort of way.
I judged Facebook, Twitter, Texting and bad punctuation in emails for all this for years. Even Skype, Google+ and You Tube. It’s all the same. A less obviously naked, more socially acceptable form of pornography. Relationship without risk. It objectifies and strips away the messiness. It sucks away our souls, damages our minds and reduces our contact to the most shallow, lazy and selfish form conceivable.
But, like I said, I’m changing my mind.
Have you heard the phrase, “ambient intimacy?” It’s a social media idea… that I love. I ran across it studying Twitter as a social medium and it caught my attention. The idea is that if I have a relationship with you, and I follow your tweets, I will maintain a bit of connection and momentum because of the context of our shared lives. The next time we meet in the same geographic space, we will be able to pick up the stream with much less catching up to do. The timeline of our relationship that happens between the points of geographic connection is filled in. The idea applies to all forms of social media.
It’s an opportunity that disappeared with “Little House on the Prairie.” We have a chance at something that has been missing since we got so busy and moved to the suburbs. I’m suspicious. I think it could be revolutionary. It DOES NOT MAKE RELATIONSHIP EASY OR SIMPLE but it opens up possibility that has not existed for a long time.
There are two things required (I think I have discovered):
1. Intention – We must be purposeful. This takes practice. Since I am not in the physical presence of those I share life with, I must remember them and purpose to communicate with them regularly. The wonderful thing about electronic communication – I can do it whenever it fits into my schedule. Do not Tweet and drive at the same time!
2. Gathering – Social media, no matter how intentional, cannot be a substitute for actual face-to-face same space connections. It will always be lacking, always be less than needed and we will feel that lack. But, if used to augment the limited opportunities we have to gather, it can bring something powerful and deeply useful.
So, I’m trying this out. I’m asking my friends to tweet me, read and comment on my blog. I’m following, reading and commenting on theirs. Let’s visit on FB about more than what we’re eating (though that is an important part of it) or where we are going. Let’s do it together on purpose and then meet to have some coffee, paint a house or go to church. Don’t sit glassy eyed in front of your computer and don’t be so busy that you do not remember who you are connected to.
I think, it may start a revolution.
It puzzles me why people, yourself included are so quick to bash on FB. You see it as a "replacement" for something. As a replacement for face to face as you put it. You take a step by saying that it might be a bridge or a 'placeholder' for this face to face. But I think you're looking at things as too "either/or". I mean, have you even considered the concept that social media can simply be an "addition" to your face to face personal interactions? That it's okay to expand your circle of influence and interaction and that you can have purposeful interactions and influences on people without sitting down for coffee and getting all philosophical? (I hate coffee anyway and the smell of it makes me nauseous). I remember once that I was told years down the road how my actions at a concert festival weekend ultimately led someone to make a decision to Christ despite the fact that we really had no meaningful conversation. They simply observed and that was enough to plant a seed that I found out years later was pivotal.
ReplyDeleteI am told again and again from people that follow me on FB that my dedication and passion to be a stong, deliberate father despite having my son in my presence only 4 days a month is inspiring to them. I post my feelings about my son. I post our adventures. Sometimes I post what we're having to eat. I know for a fact that my stories have had an impact to these "voyeristic consumers" of snippits of my life.
Another fact is that I'm not trying to replace my personal, face to face friendships with FB. IN fact, FB is what allows me to retain some degree of connection to people despite simply not having the time or freedom to have personal interactions with everyone that I'd LOVE to have the ability to do so with. My audience of people I can retain some degree of connection with and vise-versa is of course broadened.
Of course we all crave deep friendships. But unless you've figured out a way to get more than 24 hours in a day or how to have a star trek transporter to bridge distance, it's simply not going to happen.
Comparing FB to porn is a stretch, and MAYBE you were stressing a point to make a point. But it made me roll my eyes. But then again, it's all too easy to join the "let's bash on social media bandwagon" and highlight all these supposed negatives without simply focusing on what is good about it. (yes, I acknowledge that you ARE highlighting a positive purpose for it and that's your whole point--BUT, what's wrong with saying that social media is FINE as something in addition to face to face? That it's not "justified" as you have framed it as a means to an end (a way to bridge time until the next face-to-face), but that it can be inherently good as a stand alone.
It's an interesting topic (social media) for sure. And while I give you credit for almost getting there and stepping away from your initial bashing of it, I think you fall short.
-T
I have reconnected with so many dear friends whom I lost touch with after moving across the country 13 years ago. I have family in other countries, with children I had hardly ever seen. Now I am able to see photos of them, and wish them a happy birthday or just a nice day, which I rarely did before social media was available. I think that the dangers of social media are similar to the relational dangers that existed before it was around, but it is all in how it is used. Pure intentions reap pure results. Often, when I am focused too much on my own circumstances, I find that sending a quick " thinking of you" message to some dear facebook friends helps me focus outward rather than inward with self absorption. I like to use social media as an adjunct, not a replacement for meaningful relationships. That's just me.
ReplyDeleteTrayson - To some degree, you make my point. Here we are, having a conversation like we could have if we lived on Little House on the Prairie even though we lead busy, geographically separate lives. There are some semantics I would question but yes, I believe you are right, FB has the potential to be a great addition to relationship rather than a replacement. Many in our current culture, however, are more lonely and disconnected than ever - even with hundreds of "friends." Surely, the capacity for a forum (a neutral entity) such as FB can unarguably end up being used in both healthy and unhealthy ways? My apologies for the unintended offense. I'm not bashing FB. Bashing would not allow for a final, positive conclusion as well as an invitation. I'm honestly sharing the process I've gone through that has brought me to a point of considering it and social media as a whole to be a powerful and underutilized connecting tool. It's something I'm very excited about even if we don't end up having a philosophical conversation over coffee.
ReplyDeleteHey - You were bashing coffee... on the blog of a self-proclaimed and well known coffee geek. I feel slighted and abused. Maybe you've never had well made, single origin, really good coffee... How about I come to your house and make you some - we can philosophize about the human condition, the tendency toward decay and brokenness and the potential for revival...?
Thanks for commenting and for your presence and influence on FB and in the rest of the world.
I will posit that social media, in some form, is here to stay. What it will look like 5 years from now is hard to say, however, I feel that FB, Twitter, Google+, etc have forever altered how we will interact on a personal level. This is neither good nor bad, just different. A new normal if you will. As my kids and I have discussed on many occasions the simple term "friend" has been forever changed. I think that social media, in its current evolution, is still in its infancy and will be utilized differently as it and its user mature. There is an entire generation that is entering adulthood who have no recollection of life without social media.
ReplyDeleteI agree Loren, there is a new and not leaving context for our relationships. It is incumbent upon us to know what the beneficial core elements of our relationships are. We need to know these and look for them in the swirling chaos of changing and multi-directional communication. I believe out of the dust, great opportunity is coming. But, whenever great opportunity exists it can produce life or death. We have choices to make, discipline to practice and remembering to do. I'm glad we're doing it together.
ReplyDeleteI would agree with Loren to say that social media is here to stay in whatever form, whether it is a new look to facebook or a site where my friends can see what music I am listening to...wait a second they have that. There are some positives to facebook...I was on national TV because my college housemate was able to locate me via facebook. Also, I am able to stay in touch with friends who live in other states or countries.
ReplyDeleteI think the problem is when Facebook becomes a substitution for instead of an addition to relationships.
Yeah, it is easy for me to sign in, check whose birthday it is, and send them a nice birthday greeting. It is easy to scroll through someone's feed to see what they are up to. But when we rely on this to build our relationships we are in trouble. People can fake it. People can pick and choose what they want others to see.
On the other side, people are looking to be a part of something. It is cool to say you follow a certain celebrity on twitter or that you tweeted that said celebrity, and so they run to these social media sites because they get to be a part of "The Office" fan page with 1 million other people. And Facebook, Twitter, etc, makes it safe where they can feel a part of something bigger than themselves without really having to make a huge emotional investment.
I think our society is starved for real and honest relationships and society sees this as a great alternative. We want to be known. We want to be a part of something. We want to be in relationships with others. But it can be hard, scary, and risky.
Curtis, just the smell of open bins of coffee beans at any of your fav coffee stores makes me literally nautious and gives me a headache. I would undoubtedly throw up with consumption of coffee of ANY caliber or vintage. I wish I liked it. Sadly, I don't like coffee, beer, or chocolate. I expect to be exiled from the NW someday...
ReplyDeleteTrayson, heaven will be so awesome for you! So few suffer so much in their short time on earth. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could help. Alas, I probably smell like either coffee, beer or chocolate at any given time. My presence would just deepen your pain. I will pray for you...
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