Top 5 things that make you a legit "runner" (besides running)

Running Alone - better or worse?

1.  Tell Injury Stories: 

a.  Find logical places runners congregate.  This can be nearly anywhere except buffet restaurants. 

b.  Look for shoes and race shirts.  

c.  Meander over and stand around in your running gear looking nonchalant.  If running gear is unavailable, try to look like you have a low heart rate and a high VO2 max. 

d.  When congregating occurs, blend in with group and nod sympathetically when they start telling training injury stories.  Don’t worry; you won’t have to wait long for this. 

e.  Now this is a critical move that requires preparation.  It may be best to practice in front of a mirror while recording on your iPod.  When a break comes, chuckle knowingly and launch into your injury story.  Word of caution, you must tell the story as if happened in the distant past.  Whether you say so or not, you must leave story-telling buddies with the impression that you healed and learned from your training mistakes and everything is now back to normal.  In fact you are stronger.  Do not expose current weakness – they are like jackals!  You will be de-legitimized faster than you can open a tube of Gu.

bonus - combines 2 & 4!

2.  Wear T-shirts from organized runs and worn out running shoes.  You can do this quite frequently.  I try to include a regular, non-run shirt at least once every three or four days.  This gets more and more difficult as I collect shirts.  As a rule, if you need to wear a suit or some sort of more formal clothing, go with clean running shoes and use the run shirt as an undergarment.  The logo will show through and seem understated.

3.  Put a sticker on your car/truck/ -

My favorite: "my sport is your sport's punishment" 

Second favorite: "if I collapse, please pause my Garmin"

4.  Include frequent use of running related words in your vocabulary.  Make sure that your sentences flow.  This a valuable effort but risky.  If you use these words incorrectly and a real runner catches you, there is a chance they will use the opportunity to humiliate you in order to bolster their own legitimacy.  Proceed with Caution.  See 5a if you think you are a real runner.

Glossary:

VO2 Max (aerobic capacity) – this has something to do with an individuals ability to utilize oxygen.  The higher your max, the more powerful your endurance.  In a sentence – “Did you read that article about Mark Allen?  His VO2 max is ridiculous!  No wonder he won 7 Ironmans…”

Bonk: I know, this has been used outside of running.  It refers to the point in your run where your body loudly proclaims.  “I’m done you idiot, stop running!”  This usually occurs well before you get to your finish line.  A great reason to run “loops” instead of “out-and-backs.”

Fartlek:  Just a great word to have an excuse to use – it’s Swedish.  Think of alternating running fast with running slow.  I use the distance between telephone poles.  If you have a really sucky run and just can’t get it together, you can post about just finishing a really tough set of fartleks.  Most people will not know what you mean and may comment about effect of your food choices on digestive health.

Endorphins:  These are like drugs but they are legal and healthy.  Your body makes them when you try to kill it in order to placate you.

Lactic Acid:  Also like a drug made by your body when you try to kill it and it has given up on placating and is just trying to kill you back.

LSD:  Not a drug but can bring on both of the above.  Means Long Slow Distance.

RICE: What you do after nearly any combination of the above.  Acronym for Rest, Ice, Compression and Elevation.  It’s for treating injuries.

Generally, the answer is no, Don't.

Singlet:  Very small, tight piece of clothing.  If you can in fact get away with wearing one of these, you need no other support for your claim as a runner (but, wear in public sparingly).  If you can’t, don’t try.  Give it a shot, look in the mirror – trust me, you’ll know.

MORE GREAT RUNNING RELATEDWORDS

5.  Make use of the “carbo-loading” theory.  This is a great excuse to super size the managers special at Spaghetti Factory the night before a run.  To be clear, you can use almost any run as an excuse – 5k fun run, a long training run, a set of intervals, even a marathon.  You can actually use the run as an excuse to respond to a deep, guttural need for spaghetti.  In theory, loading up on extra carbohydrates is only really necessary if you are running for longer than 45 minutes or so.  This is irrelevant information in the context of your announcement on Facebook that you are “carbo-loading for the big run.”  

5a.  As an adjunct to all 5 tips, never question the legitimacy of other runner’s attempts to legitimize their status as a runner.  Unless you are an Olympic gold medal winner or have actually finished an Ironman or an ultra run in the Mojave Desert, your status in tenuous by comparison.  Nod with approval, say encouraging things and look for any excuse to prop up someone else’s precarious status.  Do this for two reasons.  First, what comes around goes around.  Your runner status needs support and there is no better way to get it than being supportive.  Second, believing you are a runner and part of the running community is a powerful key factor in generating motivation and accountability on dark, rainy, tired days when going for a run does not call to your soul until after you are done.

What do you think makes a legitimate runner?